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A great life is a series of small moments

A great life is a series of small moments


What I’m reading
• Why faux self-care won’t solve our problems. Honestly, I have come to believe that the self-care we truly need is more help from others, a deeper sense of community and time to be able to breathe & do the things that bring us joy.

• People who socialize with others outside of their homes live longer than those who don’t.

• I’ve sung Katherine May’s praises many times here but today’s piece the art of hibernation. Is lovely. I also have recently purchased her book Wintering after taking it out so many times from the library. I highly recommend you read it, especially if you live in the cold north, are feeling troubled or get a bit down by winter.

If you like that, she has a post of her Christmas reads. I read the Christmas Chronicles last year based on her recommendation and I am going to sift through the comments to find more. I’ve been sorely lacking the spirit this year* with all that has been going on & despite being done my gift shopping, I need a little cheer that money can’t buy.

Serendipity

Sometimes a perfect storm of factors come together and create the most beautiful, serendipitous moments.

The Eldest brought her oboe home from school with the intent to practice this weekend. It’s a momentous occasion because she NEVER brings it home. She is one of those people with a natural knack for music and since she has already played harp for almost 10 years, she gets by on very little work.

Hilariously, this is one of our biggest weekends in awhile. Mr. Tucker spent yesterday painting the office downstairs & The Eldest spent last night pack up all of her stuff for the move. This morning Mr. Tucker moved all the large furniture and The Eldest is currently hauling all of her books and knickknacks down while he rebuilds it. Then this afternoon while she sets up her new room in the basement, he will be painting her old room to make it into a shared office for both of us. Then tomorrow he will haul all of his office stuff into the new space and move my desk in from the living room. We still need to figure out a shared desk situation. I also have dinner out tonight, we have a games night tomorrow with some friends, The Youngest has a birthday party, my dad is visiting, The Eldest zips off to a ski hill for some job training all day…It’s a LOT.

…but I get away from the point, which is: we have zero time for much else – and she brought the oboe home fully intending to practice. 🤦‍♀️

I ribbed her about it but as it turns out, she did indeed get to practice. After dinner last night Mr. Tucker and I put on a fire and were chatting in the living room. The Eldest came in and announced that she was tired of packing and so decided to play for us. Just then, The Youngest came in with their blanket and decided to lay down on the couch.

The Eldest played some school songs for a bit and then went about trying to find some sheet music for My Chemical Romance songs. Since there is no sheet music for MCR for the oboe (we were all quite shocked.lol) she used flute music. The Youngest started to sing along. Mr. Tucker grabbed his guitar and then they started to try and figure out various songs together. Eventually, it became clear that the oboe was not a great instrument for MCR songs, so the kids & Mr. Tucker just started a fireside sing-a-long of a bunch of songs they all know the lyrics to.

I experienced genuine happiness in that moment. You couldn’t plan it, you couldn’t force it. It was one of those evenings that just organically came together. Everyone was laughing at trying to remember the lyrics and to figure out the tablature. It was just perfect. It reminded me of driving in Puerto Rico and having them all shout out the songs at the top of their lungs as we drove back from Ponce. These are the little moments that give us a good life.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

*Thanksgiving in Canada is the second weekend in October, which leads nicely into Halloween. Then until November 11th is Remembrance Day season for me. Typically on the 12th however I launch fully into Yule mode.

Some traditions deserve to be broken

Some traditions deserve to be broken


Mr. Tucker and I have covid so we’re taking precautions so the kids don’t get it

When the pandemic happened the holidays were furthest from our minds. Easter was the first holiday after the lockdown started but it had never been a huge deal for anyone but the kids. When Thanksgiving rolled around we rented a couple of cottages on a lake, quarantined for two weeks, and then met up with another family. If I am honest, it was one of the best Thanksgivings we ever had. The kids hung out with other kids, the adults had drinks & played cards, and Mr. Tucker made an amazing Thanksgiving dinner. After dinner we played games, laughed, and then built a bonfire. Everyone was full, happy and relaxed. After that first one, the past two covid Thanksgivings we’ve used to take a small road trip and do something fun as a family, usually Halloween-related (Thanksgiving in Canada is the second weekend in October) with those same friends. It’s been a nice, new tradition that we all enjoy.

Christmas that first covid year was just the four of us. Determined to make the kid’s holidays still good, we ramped up the activities that we could still do during covid. We baked cupcakes for The Mission, we headed out to pick out a fresh tree, we did our 12 Days of Christmas Movies & we baked cookies and delivered them to friends. We also doubled-down on Advent calendars to make every day of December special and started incorporating Jólabókaflóðið – the Icelandic tradition of getting a book & some chocolate on Christmas Eve – into our new holiday tradition. Christmas day we had outside visits with family and friends (no easy feat in Canadian winter) and then sat down to dinner just the four of us. This time the kids were honest: they loved having a relaxed Christmas. We spent the day in our PJs and watched movies and they loved it. They hated having to dress up and sit around watching the adults talk about boring things so this was a change they really enjoyed.

I loved it, too.

I loved it for different reasons than the kids did. Because we were the only people in the family with young kids, we’ve always hosted. That has meant 13-15 people for dinner, including my divorced parents. For various reasons, it’s always been stressful and chaotic but we always did it because otherwise we’d have to choose somewhere to go that would exclude other members of the family, feelings would be hurt etc. So from that point of view, it always made sense for us to host.

We are heading into year three of Christmas with covid and over the past years I have discovered that I ENJOY a simpler holiday. I love not having to hold myself up to some ideal holiday standard where every moment feels like I’m shoving a square peg into a round hole. No matter how hard I tried to make everything perfect, there were always little stinging comments and judgement or a divisive conversation would erupt. Mr. Tucker and I would shut the door behind the last guest and then feel like collapsing from exhaustion both physically and mentally. It was a lot of work and we convinced ourselves that we were giving our children the experience of seeing all of the family at Christmas and vice versa.

Looking back, I realize now that I can take the things I enjoy about holidays and leave the rest. I grew up in a house where a fake Christmas tree was just unfathomable. But just because our families did it one way doesn’t mean we have to do it that way. We don’t need to take the most difficult path just because, “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” So this year when I saw a sale on fake Christmas trees I pointed to the flyer and said to Mr. Tucker, “Do you think we should consider…” I didn’t even finish my sentence before he shouted, “YES!”

My ideal Christmas has fallen heavily on Mr. Tucker’s shoulders these past couple of years. When we were younger and more energetic I could do a lot more of the heavy lifting but since I’ve become more and more disabled a lot of this magic has to be done by him. It occurred to me that it’s a lot to ask of a man who already works full time, cares for two kids and helps his disabled wife to also be responsible for all the traditional stuff. To be fair, now that the kids are older they can also do a lot of the work and that eases the burden somewhat. But I also realized that we can even let a lot of it go and still have all of the magic. A great holiday doesn’t have to include stress and exhaustion…and you don’t have to have a neurodegenerative disease to say no to things that make you miserable, either!

The eldest was kind of sad to not be able to go and get a fresh tree but when we pointed out all of the benefits, she got it. No needles all over the place that get stuck in your feet, no having to water it all of the time and it spins so no worrying that the dogs will knock over and make a huge mess of water and needles. It’s even easier to decorate because the branches are moveable and sturdy. We still decorated the house and listened to Christmas music – the important ritual of a good holiday, in my opinion. All of the magic, half of the work.

This year on Christmas Eve, we are having my brother and my Dad over for Réveillon and instead of a traditional French Canadian feast, we’re going to order in Chinese food and just hang out and play cards. We’ll then curl up with our new Jolabokaflod books & eat chocolate. Christmas morning will happen when we all wake up (probably late), we’ll open presents, have a leisurely breakfast and then drive around seeing family and friends for porch visits. Dinner will be easy, eaten in our PJs and then we’ll probably watch Miracle on 34th street (another tradition).

If covid has taught me anything, it’s to let go. Let go of relationships that don’t serve me, stop trying to force relationships to be what they never will be, let go of my expectations and stop doing things I don’t want to do just because it lives up to someone else’s preconceived notions or sense of tradition. I don’t think we will ever host another large family dinner again. We enjoy a small, quieter holiday where we’re aren’t pretending that these traditions that don’t serve us are the most important thing. The most important thing will be the holiday will be spent relaxed and together.

Pandemic Positives: lunch at home

Pandemic Positives: lunch at home

Mr. Tucker has worked from home since the kids were little and back then I was a stay-at-home-parent. It used to be that I would take the kids to the YMCA when they were young, stick them in daycare for a couple of hours & then I would be able to work out and shower. Afterwards, I would take them to a drop in for pre-kindergarten kids that was run by the school board. All of this excitement and then we’d be home by noon where I would make lunch for everyone and then put the kids down for naptime.

Of course, when Sprout was around two I went back to work during the winter months. Bean was in kindergarten and Sprout went to a combo of nursery school/daycare until she hit kindergarten. So lunches together at home went to packed lunches* for the three of us while Mr. Tucker now made his own lunch. By the time they were 6 & 8 I was back at work all year round and that meant that brown back lunch was pretty much an every day thing.

One of the things that has been really great during the pandemic is home cooked lunches together every day. Sure, more often than not it is leftovers or soup & grilled cheese but it’s a nice change from what we used to do. I make the kids head out for a walk every day at lunch (rain or shine – and cold or snow) and while they are out, I whip up their lunch. Of course, at 10 & 12 they are more than capable of making their own food but I find it’s something I enjoy. When they come in we all sit at the table and chat while we eat.

Honestly, it’s just nice to break up the day this way. I want them to get a change of scenery (as small as it is) and have some structure instead of just sitting at their desks or staying inside all of the time. It’s also nice to have a mid-day chat to gauge how things are going at school. It reminds me of those busy days when I was mobile and the kids were young and how much time we used to spend together. It’s pretty nice.

Next year (vaccine willing) the Bean will be heading into a new school for her second year of junior high and will probably want more control over her lunches. The Sprout will also be heading into her last year of elementary school and it will be her last year as one of the oldest kids in the school. Teenagehood is approaching fast here and so even if everything has gone to hell in a handbasket in 2020 (and 2021 doesn’t look that great either) at least we do have a year of homecooked lunches together to look back on.

Honestly, we are heading into a year now and we are all cracking a bit at the seams. So looking at the little things that have positively come out of the pandemic keeps us all a little bit saner.

*Where I am there are no school lunch programs so everyone brown bags it. There is however, a breakfast program for kids who don’t get a nutritious breakfast at home. Bean came home one day and said, “I sure do love the free breakfast at school!” As it turns out she was eating Second Breakfast at school. I had to explain to her that she shouldn’t be taking that food and why they provide it.