It’s my party and I can plan it if I want to
This year marks my 50th trip around the sun. It’s a milestone birthday for most people in general but in January it will be 8 years since I got diagnosed with PLS, so it’s a little more special to me. Since PLS is a disease of exclusion, one of the things they can’t exclude is ALS. So for people like me, they are given a temporary diagnosis of PLS until a> they can confirm lower motor neuron involvement; or b> you get past the 5-7 year mark where they are more confident that it is PLS[1]. So like I said: a milestone.
So for my 50th birthday I wanted to have a BIG party and I wanted to invite all of the amazing friends & family who have supported me over the past 8 years. I wanted to rent a venue, have it catered, get the world’s most delicious donuts instead of cake, and hang out with lovely folks.
And I got my wish. I got my wish because I planned the entire goddamn thing myself!
Now, when folks learned that I was turning 50 this year, so many of them asked me, “Is Mr. Tucker planning anything for your big day?” It’s a natural thing to ask given that the expectation is that for special milestone events someone is supposed to plan it for you and if at all possible, it should be a surprise. But I have always felt that this expectation doesn’t play to people’s strengths and at best leads to disappointment and at worst, anger and resentment.
Mr. Tucker is a lot of things: a wonderful husband and father, to be sure. He cooks almost all of our meals. He will run errands. He will wash, fold and put away all of the laundry. He is a man who will not leave a kitchen dirty overnight and he always makes sure the coffee is set up for the next morning. He will see that the floors are covered with dog hair and will just vacuum them. He even gave me the loveliest (and unexpected) Eiffel Tower proposal[2]. But I will tell you what he is bad at: finances and planning. Those are my wheelhouse.
I have long believed that the road to relationship ruin is paved with unfair expectations (usually promoted by some cultural trope we should have long left in the dust). I know that Mr. Tucker is wonderful in many ways. I also know that he is absolutely shit at party planning. Had we gone along with the expectation that if he rEaLlY lOvEd Me he’d plan a banger of a birthday bash, we both would have been left miserable and disappointed. Why would I do that to both of us when I could just…plan the party I wanted, get exactly what I wanted and then if things fell apart, I’d only have myself to blame?
So that’s what I did!
My Dad booked the venue for me because he is a member of the club where we held it and he got a deal on the location.
My stepson is a chef and he catered the entire party full of new recipes he was trying.
I ordered donuts AND I booked a photobooth with the idea that I would put together a book for myself to remind me of the night. People got the photos sent to their phones in real time, which was also a fun thing for them to have.
Mr. Tucker picked up the decorations, the plates/cutlery (compostable) and did all of the tech support for the music, lights and microphone.
To get the various folks in my life out of their shells and mingling with each other, I created a HUMAN SCAVENGER HUNT. The key was that you had to answer with someone who you don’t know and that you couldn’t put down the same name twice. It was full of questions such as:
– Find the person who travelled the furthest to be here
– Find someone who has worked with me
– Find someone who works in the same field as you
– Find someone I went to high school with
– Find someone who works as a lawyer (ok, I know a lot of lawyers – sue me, I am covered!)
– I have travelled to over 25 countries. Find someone who has travelled to more.
Honestly, the game was an absolute riot! Some friends dove right in and embraced it while others were way too apprehensive but were still approached by others. I offered four prizes (done by draw) and I would 100% do this game again.
About 80 people came and it filled my heart to see all of these amazing folks in the same room together. It’s also a bit of a downside because I couldn’t speak to people as much as I wanted but I knew that would be one of the trade-offs for having a large event.
All in all, the party took me two days to recover from because it left me so exhausted (motor neurons being easily frazzled after all). But it was 100% worth it. As a bonus, one of my oldest and dearest friends flew in from Pittsburgh for the weekend and we got to spend a ton of time together. So many people travelled a distance to come to the party in general that it made me feel amazing to have such great friends.
Overall, I got exactly what I wanted, my marriage stayed intact and I look forward to not planning another large event for another 10 years!
In the esteemed words of Fleetwood Mac: you can go your own way![3]
[1] ”But…but…but I once heard of someone getting diagnosed after 20 years! You could get diagnosed at any time!” Sure, there are always going to be outliers who buck the trend. Also, of course, no one can name this person but they’ve HEARD online it so it must be true. This is why I have generally why I don’t go into online support communities: it’s rife with drama and low quality info.
[2] It was such a shocker to me that tbqh it’s probably a get-out-of-jail-free card for the rest of his life. I am difficult to surprise.
[3] OFC this was also on my playlist!
