Friendsgiving 2023

Friendsgiving 2023

If I was to tell my younger self that one of the biggest hurdles of my adult life was to book travel accommodations my younger self would laugh in my face. But yet, every year there is a challenge.

Back when we traveled every summer with two other families it was finding 3 cottages on one lot (that wasn’t a huge resort with multiple cottages). Now it is that alongside accessibility challenges and an adult who can’t drive as far due to his own disability. In short, a tall order.

But even when I do get it right, I get it wrong. We originally planned this weekend in the early spring and of course I thought I had done all of the due diligence with asking about accessibility. However, every time I ask I learn that I either need to be more clear about my needs or that the owners need to be more clear about how inaccessible their property is.

When I first emailed the place we stayed this past weekend I said that I do have mobility issues but that I can manage a step up as I walk with sidearm crutches and have balance issues. So the owner recommended one cottage and I went ahead and booked it. Sadly, the cottage was THREE incredible steep/tall DIY’d steps up, no railing, and the deck was a minefield of holes where the wood had rotted through. He offered us a smaller cottage with one step but it was on a bit of a hill I couldn’t get down and it had no deck at all. I ended up taking the first cottage and getting up the stairs by sitting on the deck, swinging my legs onto the deck and then using a picnic table to push up to standing. Not ideal but from there the entire cottage was on one level, so…partial win?

But as it turns out, the entire property was pretty inaccessible, the cottages were far apart and on steep inclines and even my able-bodied friends had challenges walking around. There were also no lights on the property and it was right up against the highway. One of the other parents said, “If I had booked these cottages and I had small children, I would be pissed that the cottages were next to the road.” The pictures make it look like all of the property is flat and on even ground & secluded but there was no way to even walk to the beach without hiking up and over a hill, so that was a challenge.

We usually do these weekends for the kids so that they can get out into nature and run around with their friends but I would be lying if I didn’t say I felt a little cheated by the entire property. In the end it rained the entire time we were there so it worked out since no one could really go outside and enjoy the fall weather. Also, since we had the larger cottage everyone came to me to hang out, so again, a win.

I wish that it was law to actually post the accessibility availability for all rentals. Not forcing owners to actually have accessible places (but with an aging population, there is definitely a need for that!) but to indicate how wide doorways are, if there are ramps, if the stairs are to code etc. as well as to mention if the grounds are flat or sloped. I feel like the pictures we saw on the website really bait-and-switched us into renting places that were unlike what was described. A non-accessible example would be that two cottages claimed to have loft spaces but the ladders of the loft were rickety and dangerous and once my kids got up to look around, it was basically a plywood platform. Not the fun hideaway they thought it would be. On top of that, one of our friends had non-potable water and had to run to our place to fill bottles. Had they been alone and all of the other cottages had been rented to strangers…what then?

It seemed to be a mishmash of nightmares but since we were already there we decided to make the best of it. We did end up having a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner that Mr. Tucker cooked, the kids got to run around with other kids, the adults spent Friday night up late chatting and we all got some fresh air and a change of scenery. Honestly though, my favourite part of the weekend was driving there and back. I could have saved myself $900 by just tossing the family in the car and going for a long country drive instead.

Giving people grace in online discourse

Giving people grace in online discourse

I loved this piece – investing from a cave – mostly because I have been discussing the same thing with Mr. Tucker lately. When I started this blog and when I set up my Instagram I limited comments. Why? Because I used to work in social media, that’s why. I know people are going to hate this because in the past 15 years since social media became a HUGE thing we have been told that everyone has a right to their opinion in the online town square but I am here to say the opposite: no. No, I don’t need to hear every opinion under the sun. In fact, it is probably better that I don’t.

This is not to say that I don’t respect people’s ability to have their own space to voice their own opinions: I most certainly do! But I don’t feel like I should have to “take it” just because it’s online and some bro is screaming, “freedom of speech!” at me. That’s why I tightly control the spaces I have created. While this could be a lengthy treatise on the state of online discourse, that would just be beating a dead horse. We all know that the state of online conversation often rapidly descends into name-calling, abuse and even threats. People have actually died from swatting so it’s a very serious issue that should be taken seriously. I take it seriously by not allowing comments to blow up to that level by …not allowing comments. It’s also why the first thing I did when I went on disability leave was to shitcan twitter. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I do maintain a facebook account for community stuff as well as to keep in contact with certain people. I also have Instagram to document photos and keep up with an entirely different group of people. Often, the algorithm will serve me up some random content – usually a reel – with 20k+ comments on it. It’s just so shocking to me that 20k+ people felt the urge to spend some time of their “one wild and precious life” to argue, denigrate and generally act like an ass online. WHY? Are we so addicted to the dopaminergic buzz we get from beefing with strangers that we let it consume our minutes, hours and days? Clearly the answer is yes. What’s more, other people create this content in order to sew discord amongst people with their hot takes in order to generate income. What a mess.

I have been on the internet for a very, very long time and I remember the days of Livejournal with its snark communities (no literally, they were called Snark_OtherCommunityName) that were designed to trash posts where people were (often) asking really dumb questions. To this day I cannot remember even one of the arguments I had 20 years ago on Livejournal. All those hours spent angry and trying to one-up people was in the end, a ridiculous waste of my time.

As the newer platforms ramped up, reacts & comment sections did similar dirty work on public accounts, and it got worse and worse as the algorithms keyed into the fact that enragement is engagement. If you haven’t read The Chaos Machine yet, I highly recommend it. It details the far-reaching consequences of that business model and how it’s undermined democracy, encouraged genocide and rewired our brains. It’s a great read and a macrocosm of the online negativity we’ve all experienced.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how humans historically have had about 100 people in their circle and even the people who ventured outside of their small hamlets have really only come across about 500. Compare that to the 22k+ comments on a reel and it is no wonder we are living in a time of huge anxiety and worry. Marketing and algorithms favour making us feel inadequate and promote lies and misinformation, so no wonder we are confused, depressed and miserable.

This isn’t to say that I don’t love a rousing debate – because I do! In fact, in high school I was co-captain of the debate team. Nothing fills me with more joy than a couple of pints at the pub with some of my friends, discussing weighty issues. In general, social convention often (but not always) dictates that these conversations are what Nick Cave calls Good Faith Conversations. Here is the difference between a battle of minds at the pub and online comment sections: there is a real, live person in front of you. No one is hiding behind a screen spewing off rage, you know who you are speaking to and you know how to shut things down if they become overheated. It’s much more difficult to read someone’s intent or rage levels when they are behind an avatar. In-person discussions with strangers tend to be kinder, more respectful because you can see their faces, see their feelings and have to often live with them in your community. Conversations happen in the moment, giving people time and space to explain themselves as opposed to online where dialogue can be stretched out over myriad days as just when you think the convo has ended…some random person jumps in and starts fighting all over again. It feels like you constantly have to look over your shoulder because you never know when the attack may start afresh (it’s also why I make all of my facebook posts private after 24 hours – to control the time I spend on there).

Also, we are so much different online than in other sphere of our lives. We act differently around our grandparents than we do our friends. We speak in different tones to our children than we do our bosses. Context matters. So for a lot of people social media has been a balancing act between saying what we feel vs. not saying anything at all for fear of alienating certain groups of people in our lives. Sure, we can have different accounts or use filtered lists (and block the more unsavoury people we still need to keep in touch with) but often it is just easier to keep our social media to the most innocuous content. This makes us feel disingenuous and alienated and sometimes I wonder if it is just easier to not have any content at all.

I am grateful to the internet for bringing me some of the closest, most amazing friends I have ever had but with that comes a dark side. I enjoy blogging and I enjoy reading blogs. I don’t even mind respectful, contrarian points being made. But much too often I see even the most normal people react in extreme ways to content they don’t enjoy or agree with – myself included. Sometimes I will go back and read comments I’ve left previously and they come off as harsh when I intended them to just be factual. That is the challenge with online discourse: you have no frame of reference in body language or knowledge of people’s personalities so it can be read in a completely different tone by different people. Previously I always read comments as being more negative in tone but over the years I have learned to give people more grace and until they show me otherwise, I choose to read their commentary positively instead. It’s difficult and I don’t always hit the target but I do try. We are all human though and are ruled by human foibles like overreacting when we have had a bad day.

Still, in the end, if you don’t like the content I am serving, you are free to not read it at all. You are also free to post a counter-argument in your own space. But you will have to excuse me if I choose to not debate you in public. I don’t have time to respond to pile-ons from strangers and quite frankly, you shouldn’t either. No two people are going to agree 100% of the time and that’s ok. Scroll on my friend, just scroll on.

Let’s all go for a walk and touch some grass.

A major, life-changing surgery

A major, life-changing surgery

All we have for coffee this morning is some dark roast that we’ve accidentally purchased. I have drowned it with sugar (I take my coffee without sugar generally) in the hopes that I can get through it. I don’t want to throw it out but it still may end up on Buy Nothing.

This morning is the first time I have really been able to sit up straight for a decent period of time so I figure I would update on how my surgery went. It’s 11 days post-operation today and I am feeling pretty great. For those of you who are interested and who don’t get squicked out by talk of surgery and/or menstruation, I have put the details after the READ MORE below so that you don’t have to continue if you don’t want to. But for people who have struggled with their monthly cycles their entire life – like me – I hope this helps other peeps with functioning uteri make informed decisions. This post is actually taken from a series of posts/comments from facebook so it may not be as well written.

Warning: graphic.


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Read More Read More

No good deed goes unpunished OR let’s reno a condo!

No good deed goes unpunished OR let’s reno a condo!


I’ll be quite honest with you: I never wanted to be a landlord. I had no dreams of a real estate empire or building equity in owning buildings. It’s risky, a lot of work and it’s not my thing at all. Now with the increasing interest rates bearing down on people it’s terrifying to think of how leveraged some people are*.

But when we moved into our current house, I jointly-owned a condo downtown with a relative. Mr. Tucker & I began our life in there with our dog Dixie so it holds some nostalgia for us. This relative also owed me a lot of money for making capital repairs to their home while we rented the house from them (it is quite confusing but originally the plan was that we were supposed to switch homes and we would pay a certain amount. It didn’t work out.). At the same time ANOTHER relative was breaking up with a partner and struggling. So it made sense to just let the second relative move in at cost and figure things out from there because…

We had moved in December two weeks before Christmas, then a series of misfortunate events happened:
– We discovered that the condo had been basically destroyed by water & smoke damage and we suddenly had to do a lot of renovations
– The kids started in their new school and it was a challenging time
– I was diagnosed and we found ourselves suddenly without one income

I thought things couldn’t get worse from there but over the course of the next year we discovered that the relative we had rented to was unreliable. It was nothing too onerous: partial payments here, asking to borrow money there but there were definitely signs. Two weeks before the following Christmas we got a call that they were struggling a lot with their mental health and so they moved into our house for a few weeks as I helped them chase down emergency therapy supports around the city. It was then that we discovered that they were deeply in debt and struggling, so (stupidly) Mr. Tucker and I offered to help consolidate their debts onto my line of credit** and help them get back on their feet again. Previously they had been a pretty responsible adult with a great job so we figured they only needed a bit of a boost. I smartly had a lawyer friend witness a contract agreement between us both that had this relative paying us a certain amount every two weeks with the goal of paying it all off and building back their credit.

I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of it but as it turns out this person hasn’t been going to work. They got by in various ways, I guess, but in May of this year they basically just stopped paying and didn’t return calls, texts or emails. In August Mr. Tucker had to go down to the condo and ask them to leave in person. They still haven’t spoken to me and have now holed up in YET ANOTHER relative’s basement.

So for the SECOND time in 5 years we found ourselves doing a complete renovation of a trashed condo. The floors are damaged, there is smoke damage, and all of the appliances need to be replaced. So once again we find ourselves paying a mortgage and condo fees on a place that is unrentable and unsaleable. It is compounded by the fact that I have a broken foot still, school starts on Tuesday and I have a major abdominal surgery on Wednesday so Mr. Tucker will need to stay with me for that first week.

Originally Mr. Tucker and I wanted to hire a contractor and just get it done as soon as possible. We thought we had found someone but then he basically bait-and-switched us for more money and asked for more time. Even though his prices were astronomical the timeline was such that he said he’d be able to complete the work quicker than anyone else, which is why we agreed to his terms. So him coming back and changing the terms was so weird that Mr. Tucker and I told him that we would discuss and get back to him. The next morning at 6am we received an email from his “son” saying that he had been injured (between the hours of 10pm and 6am – what rotten luck!) and that he would be out of commission for a few weeks…and then he posted a video on social media a few hours later of him doing some tree and hedge work. I just absolutely had to laugh at the ridiculousness. Just bow out gracefully, my dude, no need to make up stories.


Note saying to not use the microwave

At that point though Mr. Tucker had had enough. So we hit up the IKEA website, he borrowed tools from his dad and he just made the decision to DIY it. So far he’s gotten rid of the appliances, over this weekend he has replaced the countertops and taps in the bathroom and kitchen, will replace the showerhead, do some grouting & sealing and then hopefully paint it all so that we can stage it and get it on the market. What makes me laugh is that we will basically save $8500 by DIYing this project despite losing so much time with the back-and-forth with this “#OurCity’s Handman.” Mr. Tucker is essentially learning new skills out of spite and fueled by rage.

So I guess not all is lost: Mr. Tucker is impressed with how easy it is to install things from IKEA (which #OurCity’s Handman also said he uses), he’s enjoying the process of learning these new skills and a friend has offered to help us repair the floors where they have come up. Sure, it’s not an ideal situation but knowing what we know now I wish we had started two weeks ago instead of messing around and going back-and-forth with this numpty (we also have a local contractor who is lovely but he does amazing work, is reliable and so, is already busy).

Hopefully we can get it all cleaned up and looking great sooner rather than later and then our realtor friend will put it on the market for us. While we are both nostalgic for the great times we have had there, the future has us moving forward towards Mr. Tucker’s retirement. Keeping the condo isn’t an option unless he works full time and while we are sad to to let it go, we are happy that someone else can make great memories there.

Mr. Tucker is already talking about what projects he could also tackle around the house. So I guess if there is a sunny side to this story it is that it is fun to learn new skills & it is empowering to know you can DIY things…and of course, a special thanks to YouTube and IKEA.

*I am not, I could afford to keep the condo and rent it but again, I have no interest in being a landlord. We will try and sell it first and then if it doesn’t sell, we’ll consider it.
** Yes, yes…only lend money you can afford to give away. It won’t sink us but it is truly maddening.

Let’s go to the ALS clinic!

Let’s go to the ALS clinic!

I love that my last neurologist had a quick start guide – no one remembers everything!

The last time I went to the ALS clinic was in 2021 when I was told that unlike the other patients, I only had to go in every two years. As the nurse walked me out that day, she said, “Wow! You are the only one who gets such a long time in between appointments. It’s because you are doing so well!” I felt pretty proud of that even though I do have to admit that the pandemic made me do less exercise than I did pre-pandemic.

So Mr. Tucker took me to my appointment this year (broken foot means I can’t drive) and he got to experience a day in the Rehabilitation Centre. In general, the ALS clinic has the following appointments they book for their patients:

• Physiatrist
• Physical Therapist
• Speech-Language Pathologist
• Clinical Dietitian
• Respiratory Therapist
• Nurse Coordinator
• Occupational Therapist
• Social Worker
• Chaplain

I see:
• Physiatrist (& the nurse coordinator)
• Respiratory Therapist
• Neurologist

Honestly, I don’t need the other appointments so I don’t book them. I probably could do without respiratory as well and may skip it next time. My numbers are generally consistent and so I may just stick with the basics until I need more care. My neurologist I typically see in this main office at another hospital but he goes to the ALS Clinic once a week so I booked in to see him when he was there because it made sense to batch the tasks. Oh, I also got word from my PLS mentor C.H. that she was in clinic that day, so we made plans to have a coffee afterwards.

When I first was diagnosed with PLS I caught wind that another woman in the area had lived with PLS for a long time and was still fairly healthy. Although they couldn’t tell me who she was due to privacy reasons, I tracked her down online within a few hours (thank you career in Social Media!). Since then, C.H. has become what I would call a Motor Neuron Disease mentor to me. She has given me a lot of great tips and tricks from her experience of living with PLS for over 20 years and I am grateful for her wise counsel! She taught me the basics of what I needed to know to move forward in this journey:

1 – Doctors will batch you in with ALS patients because PLS is so rare but our trajectories are very different.
2 – Our lack of Lower Motor Neuron involvement means that we can build muscle and via exercise we can keep our balance more on track with physiotherapy.
3 – There are off label drugs that can help PLS patients by increasing balance and lowering spasticity.
4 – Barring other things (like a broken hip from falls), we probably won’t die from PLS. We have normal life spans.

Unfortunately, because PLS is a diagnosis of exclusion, usually you can’t make a PLS diagnosis until around the 5-7 year mark since the onset of symptoms. That makes it very tricksy indeed. I am on year 10 now and I haven’t seen a decrease in ability over the past 4 or so years, which means I have probably plateaued. We hear rumours of people with PLS who have gone full ALS after 20+ years but from what I can tell, no first-hand accounts. However, there are many people who have had PLS for 20 to 30 years who also have varying degrees of disability so it seems that people don’t have a consistent trajectory for this disease.

My favourite part of the ALS clinic has to be the amazing therapy dog, Copain (Buddy or Pal, in French). He’s been going as long as I have and he is such a calm, happy boy. To be quite honest, it’s the #1 reason to attend the ALS clinic! LOOKIT WHAT A GOOD BOY HE IS! LOOKIT HIS LITTLE “VOLUNTEER” NAME TAG!

My least favourite part is respiratory. Aside from the mounds of wasteful plastic, I feel like as an asthmatic my breathing changes day-to-day and in the 5 years of going to the clinic, my breathing hasn’t changed so significantly to warrant future appointments. So the next time I go, I may just skip this as well and just speak to the two doctors and the nurse.

My second favourite part is seeing my neurologist, Dr. B. we discuss current studies I can enroll in, new drug trials taking place, now & exciting research that is happening and just generally chit chat about my overall wellbeing. Then he tests my reflexes and spasticity, gives me another boatload of prescriptions and then he sends me on my way. I do have his email address & that of his admin so if I ever need to make additional appointments or discuss any challenges, that is the way to get ahold of him. I ended up sending him a post-visit email on some exciting new research happening but I generally don’t bug them unless I need to.

While I do enjoy talking to the nurse (amazing woman, so supportive!) it’s taken awhile for the physiatrist to come around. On one hand, I don’t blame her: PLS is often conflated with ALS and so people tend to see us as just a slower version of ALS* and the jury is still out as to whether or not PLS is just a form of ALS or whether it is its own thing (I tend to suspect the latter, but I’m open). The first time I met the physiatrist she pretty much shot down any inklings I had of “getting better.” On the one hand, I get it: neuro patients don’t typically get better. On the other hand, progression for people like us is often incredibly slow and there *are* things we can do to maintain balance and muscle. I think that for a long time she fell into the camp who believed that we were just slow-moving ALS patients so the advice for them is to not expend any energy they don’t need to because it would increase muscle wasting & they need to conserve energy. But after the years of C.H. and I doing physio and maintaining mobility, I think the physiatrist has seen the benefits of exercise and balance work. That’s great because people diagnosed after us will get the benefit of not being told that there is nothing they can do and feel like they just have to go home to die.

A word on healthy living: absolutely live the healthiest that you can. Go for walks, reduce stress, eat well, maintain relationships and balance in your life. But know this: there are some things in the world that you can absolutely not change. Those of us in the west are obsessed with personal responsibility. We’ve been told by the culture at large that if we do all of the right things that we will die in our sleep peacefully at 100 and that we won’t suffer the limitations of people who live unhealthy lifestyles.

The reality is though that there are some things that are random and unknown. A personal responsibility culture dictates that if ONLY you had done something different, the outcome would have been different: you won’t be depressed if you have gratitude and meditate. You got hit by that car because you weren’t crossing the street in X way. You got MS because you don’t eat an (insert current diet du jour here). We put the onus on the disabled and sick after-the-fact to tease out what they did and where they went wrong. Sure, sometimes that is the case but often there are societal factors that also prevent people from making the right decisions.

Things are probably a mix of genetics, behaviour, environment and randomness but it’s hard to determine for any individual to figure out what is from column A, B, C or some random column that we don’t even know exists yet. It sells books, makes TikTok’s go viral and makes people feel better about their decision-making process but it’s a false god: some things we won’t ever know and so you better get used to living with the uncertainty if you want to move forward and live your one, wild life to the fullest. Otherwise you can go down the dark tunnel of obsession and make your diagnosis the only thing that defines you.

Quite frankly, in my mind my diagnosis the explanation as to why I have limitations but it isn’t the excuse as to why I am not living my life. Instead of focusing on what I can’t do, I focus on what I can still do. Sometimes I overshoot and pretend that I am able-bodied (see: my broken foot & wearing flip flops & broken their foot on uneven ground. The physiatrist even said to me, “Even an able-bodied idiot would have probably tripped over a tree root in flip-flops.” …wait a second..!) and I end up paying for it. But more often than not I discover that there is a work around and that I can still do the things I enjoy but with a modification.

At the end of my day at the ALS clinic, C.H. and I went outside afterwards and sat on a bench to catch up. Mr. Tucker brought us coffees and kindly waited for me off to the side as CH and I chatted about the past couple of years. C.H. at one point turned to me and said that the physiatrist had said to her, “You know, some patients we have here at the clinic are a FORCE,” and CH said that she laughed and laughed and knew that she had been absolutely talking about me. Maybe that is where I am sitting in the grand universe of things: I am – and I continue to be – A FORCE.

Til the end, friends.


Copain and I feel the same way about filling out the ALSFRS-R score paperwork

*FWIW: there is also upper-motor-dominant ALS, which we suspect Stephen Hawking had, which makes the waters even murkier. But pure PLS patients don’t typically have lower-motor-neuron involvement, which can be determined by an EMG…but not always! Aren’t brain diseases fun (note: not at all).

‘Let it rot’: surviving China’s high unemployment and cost of living

‘Let it rot’: surviving China’s high unemployment and cost of living

Despite the Chinese government’s attempts to shut the phenomenon down, some Chinese youth are “lying down.” After years of being told to work hard and be successful, they came out into a post-shutdown world where they felt there was a bait-and-switch and that the life they worked towards didn’t actually exist.

I don’t understand how a heart is a spade but somehow the vital connection is made* OR On Nostalgia (3 of 3)

I don’t understand how a heart is a spade but somehow the vital connection is made* OR On Nostalgia (3 of 3)

They say there’s a snake that can shed it’s skin
when the good old days are wearing thin, but
the good old days have all withered and died
some go on livin’ on the sentimental side
– Spirit of the West

In the 90s and 2000s I was way too poor to have cable tv so I missed out on the FRIENDS phenomena. What I did see I thought was funny, so during the pandemic the Youngest and I binged the series. We both very much enjoyed it but I had to explain that, yes, before smartphones and computers you basically just dropped by people’s houses or went to the café or bar where people hung out. You knew that someone you recognized would show up eventually. I really miss those years where my friends all lived close by and we just all knew to get up and get dressed because dollars to donuts someone would pop in almost every day. Those days of, “we were in the neighbourhood and thought we would pop in” are long, long gone. Now if people randomly show up at my door I am HORRIFIED. Why didn’t you text first?

So I simultaneously romanticize the past & have changed enough that I wouldn’t appreciate a lot of the same things now. I think the difference is that smartphones have enabled us to have our social lives in our back pockets so the excitement of someone popping in for coffee has been replaced by the excitement of a notification of a new message. I think in some ways the past is the past and we need to live in the here and now but also, I feel like we could steer the present in ways where we get the benefits of the past with the tools of the future. But as studies have shown, Facetime™ doesn’t really give us the benefits of face time. It feels like real social interaction but it doesn’t hold a candle to the benefits we get from IRL hangouts. That isn’t to say it has no benefit – like I have mentioned before, I spend most of my days chatting with my friends who are spread out across the continent but it doesn’t replace getting together in the real world. Contrary to the meme, human interaction is important to well being no matter how you define your particular personality quirks.

And now for another segue…

When I was 20, I went through a phase where I had one breakup which turned my life upside-down. I moved out of the downtown core and in with my dad, started dating someone new and was enrolled in university. By virtue of this life overhaul, I suddenly found myself without friends. I am not going to lie: that first year was rough. Sure, I had a few friends but with my schedule and by virtue of being far away from the downtown core, I didn’t get out enough to maintain strong connections. It was a pretty lonely first year of university where most of my interaction was virtual.

I also lost my grandmother that year. I was really close to her but the last years of her life were punctuated by extreme agoraphobia and she hadn’t had friends in 20+ years. She would sometimes walk to the end of the driveway but otherwise she stayed inside and relied on my mother to do all of the outside-world stuff such as groceries and going to the bank. My grandmother had been raised in Lowertown surrounded by friends and her large extended French-Canadian family who all lived either in the same apartment or nearby. When she married my Irish grandfather it was after the war and he was eager to finish university, start a career in finance and buy himself a house in the suburbs. On the day they moved, my great-grandmother apparently wept because in those days the new house seemed so far she thought she wouldn’t ever see her daughter (hilariously, it’s now considered part of the core part of the city).

So my grandmother stayed home raising her kids in this new, suburban island, far away from everything she knew, adrift from those tight social connections & the boisterous French-Canadian family she was used to. I don’t get the impression that she had a lot of friends in this new, anglo-based suburb. Then tragically in the early 70s, her mother passed away and within that same year, my grandfather also died (at 54!), leaving her a widow with a teenager, my uncle. She dutifully took care of my uncle until he was married in the 80s and also babysat my brother and I after school. But as we got older and didn’t need her, she didn’t have people to take care of, which is really all she had known. With nothing to do, she slowly slipped inside of herself, basically staying home and watching tv. We did end up moving in with her in the early 90s but at that point she had no friends and relied on us to be her contact with the outside world.

Having that as an example, I was terrified of not having friends. So when I decided to move back downtown during my second year of university, I also made the resolution that I would go out of my way to make friends. I did manage to do that and have maintained many of those friendships over the years. I have to say even for someone who is outgoing, it was harder to try and build new friendships in my 20s after it coming so easy in my teens. I hear from friends who have moved a lot in their 30s and 40s that making friends is even harder the older you get: most people have solidified their relationships at that point and it’s really difficult to break through into social groups.

But having witnessed what can happen when you don’t have a few solid social connections I have really forced myself to hold onto the ones I do have. When we had kids, no other people in our extended social groups had school aged or younger children. Most were childfree. So we tried to attend as many house parties as we could without kids, and forewent the more expensive hangouts. It also forced me into making new friends amongst people who did have children and now I have a pretty solid group of people in book club and in dragon boat that I am lucky to count on for amazing hangouts. I think Gen X women maybe saw their grandmothers and decided quite rightly that we should try and stave off the effects of loneliness.

/segue

Now, as a retired woman in her 40s I have enough money to live and not worry about whether the bills are paid but I also have TIME because I am not working (what I don’t have is energy or as much mobility). Sure, some things have changed: the days of lounging around at friend’s houses all day are over. Many of us have responsibilities now that we didn’t have when we were young and carefree. We aren’t called the squeeze generation for nothing: we typically work full time while simultaneously looking after our children AND our aging parents. I’ve witnessed a lot of stress, exhaustion, and loss in these past few years as many friends have juggled so many things – all high priorities. But the point is: social connections are paramount and in the middle of your life when chaos is reining, it is hard to maintain those connections.

What if not working could bring back some of that nostalgia and connection in a way that is in-step with the realities of modern life? How many times have you genuinely said, “Gosh, this has been so fun! We really must do it more often!” knowing full well that you won’t? It’s money, it’s time, it’s work, it’s responsibility.

I’ve been thinking what *IF* we do it more often? And by we, I mean Mr. Tucker and I since most of our friends are still working. As we head into the home stretch of what hopefully will be his permanent retirement I am thinking of the things we haven’t been able to prioritize due to raising kids, having two jobs, maintaining a house etc. and re-prioritizing them – and the first one on the list is seeing friends more often. While the days of late nights in bars and cafes are over, I am sure we could meet them where they are.

A not-so-complete list of things we could do (or things we or friends are already doing) that are free or cheap:

– Bring lunch to friends at work and enjoy a lunch hour with them. No time for lunch? (problematic, but ok) bring them a coffee and have a quick chat.
– Host a Sunday night dinner for friends where they only have to bring themselves and any beverages they may want.
– Afternoon pool parties and BBQs. My friends typically bring something to share with everyone and then something to grill for themselves.
– Bring dinner to friends who are under a lot of stress.
– Put together a picnic for some friends and go to them. I have friends who live on the other side of the city who don’t have cars so this would be us heading to the east end.
– A friend of mine hosts movie nights in their backyard with a projector, which is a lovely thing to do and low stakes for everyone.
– Bike rides where you meet in the middle at a beach or park.
– Because we are a Halloween-crazy household, last year I organized two group outings in the city: one was a Haunted Walk and one was going to a local orchard that had haunted houses and hayrides.
– Meet for movies at a locally-run theatre: I love that one local theatre does a fairly-priced Saturday Morning Cartoon Party where you watch retro cartoons and they have an AYCE cereal bar.
– A local bar has retro pinball machines and all-day Saturday and Sunday they have FREE PLAY from noon-8pm for $10. They also have amazing perogies.
– I usually do a Winter Solstice party as a continuation from my Pharm days. Snacks and mulled cider for everyone! Covid canceled almost all of my plans for the last 3 years but I hope this year will be the charm!
– Our book club usually does a weekend away in November. Pre-Covid it was a cottage one year within driving distance and then away another year. We went to New Orleans in 2019. They’re going to New York City this year but I won’t be joining them because we have tight financial goals.
– Go rollerskating! The local volunteer group does these fun, themed events and they usually have both family and adult-only sessions. While I have yet to go, 4-Wheelies looks fun.
– We do a games and/or craft night with friends once a month. This month Mr. Tucker and I are going to whip up burgers and they can bring a side.
– Our community has a wild amount of engagement by our neighbours. In particular, one fireman always does a HUGE fireworks display on Canada Day and they close the street off for it. Our neighbourhood has a roaming tiki bar that everyone stocks and shares as well. On Halloween the same fireman makes a HUGE Haunted House for the kids and it is really quite lovely. Every year they also do a street party that is planned and hosted by anyone turning 40 that year. It’s pretty fantastic. I have thought of getting more involved by maybe booking the community house in the park behind us and doing a winter themed party in December – if I can convince the eldest to learn some winter-themed harp songs. Hah.
– During Covid the kids and I baked cookies around Christmas and delivered them to friends around the city. We used to do a yearly cookie decorating party with other families in our neighbourhood but our children outgrew it.
– Also during Covid because the kids couldn’t Trick or Treat we started doing #13DaysOfHalloweenMovies and #12DaysOfChristmasMovies where we would watch a movie every night and then I would post their reviews to Instagram. Friends told me they loved following along and seeing the whackadoodle things the kids would notice about beloved classics.
– We really should volunteer more with the Community Association, even if it is minimal.
– There are a bunch of winter trails (run professionally and run by volunteers – there are more but these are examples) that you can snowshoe or ski on. Round it off with a hot chocolate at the Sailing Club if you do both.

To be honest, there is an absolute ton of things you can do to stay connected. Sometimes I will just text a friend out of the blue to tell them that I was thinking of them. I have been blessed with an amazing amount of great friends and I know life can get away from us but honestly, I want to head into my golden years with these folks so I want us to make sure we stay connected – off of social media.

So thus ends the rambling series of nostalgia posts. TL;DR: I want to reclaim my one wild life now that I don’t have to worry about money. I want to take up video games again, see friends and connect with them as much as possible even if I have to do more of the heavy lifting. I want to get back that feeling of freedom and that anything is possible in the future. The other day Mr. Tucker said to me, “I cannot wait for the second half of my life to begin!” I can’t either!

*Apologies to Elastica

Go for the eyes Boo, GO FOR THE EYES!! – OR On nostalgia (2 of 3)

Go for the eyes Boo, GO FOR THE EYES!! – OR On nostalgia (2 of 3)

Earlier, in the spring, I was wide awake late at night while everyone else was asleep. Where I live, there are four definitive seasons and in my mind, the real start of spring is the day that you can leave all the windows and doors open and you don’t freeze your arse off. I grabbed a drink and sat down and started to watch a show. It was so nice being up late when everything was quiet with the warm breeze flooding the living room that I was instantly transported to what it felt like when I was young and spent most nights awake while everyone else slept. Instant nostalgia.

The next day Mr. Tucker and I chatted after dinner. “You know, I had a revelation last night.” Oh what, he asked. “I don’t have to keep normal hours anymore. If I want, I can stay up all night and sleep all day. I mean, I wouldn’t because I want the kids to see me have a normal schedule, but it hadn’t really hit me that I don’t HAVE to.” No, you don’t! He confirmed. I ended up telling him about the spring night air and how it made me feel and of course we both lapsed into a bout of nostalgia. Then I said something to him that surprised him. “I want to get back into gaming.”

Some history about me & gaming: in the 80s my brother got a Tandy computer from Radio Shack. Suddenly, an entire world of puzzles was open to my brain and we played hours upon hours of Space Quest, Police Quest, King’s Quest and of course, the pièce de resistance: Leisure Suit Larry. I fell in love with games as a kid with a special love for Super Mario, which I played on our Nintendo.

So of course, in the 90s I settled into a comfortable love of all the new games that came out. I was especially drawn to beautiful strategic and puzzle games like Civilization and Myst but I also enjoyed a bunch of first person shooters such as Space Hulk (I still have nightmares of them coming out of the walls). I played long, long hours sitting and trying to finish the levels eventually giving up only when I was too exhausted to play anymore. I flirted with gaming on and off over the years but it wasn’t an issue for me as a single person who had nothing but time. When I met Mr. Tucker and we started dating, we only had the one computer in the house that could play the more resource-intense games. We didn’t play much those days anyway. We had a decent income and spent a lot of time out with friends or sitting on the balcony having drinks.

Enter Baldur’s Gate.

Baldur’s Gate was the first video game that I had really gotten into in a long time and it was love at first play. Mr. Tucker and I took (resentful) turns playing it on the one computer but we both played really long hours. Not as long as I used to play when I was younger but still dedicating a big chunk of our time outside of work to it. Eventually, things came to a head one night when his 10-year-old son came over for the weekend. Naturally, he wanted to play, too. I found the anger welling up inside me of having to share *MY* time with him. I have always known that I have an addictive personality, but I was so shocked the level of rage I had at a child over a stupid video game that I actually just gave up video games completely. We both kind of did. I just didn’t trust myself to not get sucked into a black hole of lost time. Since we were engaged and had plans to get married and have kids soon, it also just made sense to leave gaming behind. I would be lying if I didn’t say I missed it, but my inability to control how much I loved playing made it detrimental to my larger life goals.

Of course, life moved on and now the kid I resented over the video game is an incredible man of 27 (who, incidentally, still loves video games). His dad and I went on to have two kids that are teenagers now and who are mostly independent. That, in conjunction with Mr. Tucker’s retirement being on the horizon made me think of building a gaming box again.

Mr. Tucker got really excited when I said this! He, too, was happy about the prospect of gaming again!. Also, as adults who have a decent income we could also now afford two decent gaming setups. As a consummate researcher of all big purchases, he has spent time reviewing specs and adding/deleting things based on research and/or pricing and he is having a great time doing it. The current goal is to buy the components and build the boxes around November (we still need to save a bit).

What’s hilarious is that every game I have wanted to play in the past 16 years I have stored in my head “for later.” When I mention them to Mr. Tucker they are always SO CHEAP (because they are old, like me). So I am looking forward to replacing my current social media scrolling with gaming. I don’t spend a ton of time on social media anymore but it’s going to be great to revisit some old favourites and discover some new ones!

So I have that to look forward to this by the end of the year, which is super exciting! So while that is one thing, this spring’s nostalgia got me thinking about the things I loved about being young and having more time than money. So now that I am old and have time AND money, can I get back to that feeling I had in my youth? (link updated Friday, August 11 – LIES! I posted on Sunday the 13th). Is it possible to go back in time and have the things you loved back then AND the things you love now?

“It was the 90’s!”* OR: On nostalgia (1 of 3)

“It was the 90’s!”* OR: On nostalgia (1 of 3)

Watch out, sweet thing, a change in the weather is all that you bring
–Love Spit Love

Because I have a case of the olds now, I tend to have a LOT of past to look back on. Mr. Tucker and I often reminisce about how we were young and (very) poor but despite it all, we did manage to have a good time when we were younger. A lot of it centred around friends and hanging out because that’s all we could really afford.

There were a lot of late nights with friends, drinking coffee at people’s houses, staying up all night playing games, listening to music, making music or painting, watching movies and a lot of walking and biking (we couldn’t afford bus fare). We’d go to bars and coffeehouses with change in our pockets and buy the one drink we could afford, and nothing else.

The one thing that separated me from many other people though (including Mr. Tucker) was that I was an early adopter of technology. I didn’t come by it honestly, instead I just happened to know a LOT of geeks and by virtue of knowing them, I had my first Freenet account when they were still in the B’s. I still remember when there was a magazine called MONITOR that listed all of the BBS’s in the area (of which my friends ran quite a few) as well as tech news and computer ads. At the risk of sounding misty-eyed, we were all super hopeful about how technology had the opportunity to bring the world together and how it could level the playing field for everyone to communicate.

Online you could speak to people from all over the world via IRC and usenet. I loved every moment of it and delved deep into niche communities of varying interests. I did often just stay close to home though, making friends on the Freenet IRC and staying up all night to chat with them**. We often found ourselves deciding to hop in our cars at 2am and we’d hit the 24-hour Perkins in the east end where we would drink coffee and smoke cigarettes until dawn. Those were some of my favourite years and I am still close friends with some of those people to this day.

I feel like every generation has a time that they are nostalgic for. A time where things seemed simpler, where you felt more connected with friends, before the demands of life got in the way. But of course, if we are honest with ourselves, we are only really romanticizing the good parts. I remember poverty being an absolute shackle, keeping me stressed about a series of shitty minimum wage jobs and worrying constantly about paying rent and trying to stay fed. I remember the relentless calls of the bill collectors and the awful way they would make you feel so small. It was frustrating to be bone tired and still not have money to do things. There were some genuinely horrible moments where I felt so stuck that I could barely breathe.

Strangely, my salvation came from an unlikely place: a book of the month club. Like it’s more famous cousin, Columbia House (full disclosure, I also had CH!) was for music, BOTMC was for books (obvz). The premise of all these club was the same: get X amount of products for a Y amount of money and then promise to buy Z amount of products at the regular price. For those of you young enough not to know, these companies practiced what is known as negative option billing. That means if you didn’t send in a postcard saying you didn’t want that month’s selection, you got sent the selection and were billed for it (usually, at a higher price than retail). Being young and stupid, I regularly did not send in the cards and I ended up with a lot of books I wouldn’t have chosen otherwise. One of those books was The Tightwad Gazette II. It changed my life.

Arguably, the TWGII is the least interesting of the three TWGs but it opened my mind to this radical idea: you could reduce your expenses by making better choices and end up with the same lifestyle for less money. Cooking at home was cheaper than eating out. You could save on your energy bills. You could buy everything you needed on the secondhand market. I know this all sounds low stakes in 2023 where every second personal finance blog extols the virtues of frugality but to 18-year-old me in the early 90s, it was a revelation. When I finally got to TWG III I discovered Your Money or Your Life in an article and my life has not been the same since.

Clearly, we know how this story ends: I retired at 42 with a disability pension. We recently paid off our house, the kids are thriving, and shortly Mr. Tucker will hopefully be retired as well.

But this means that it is also the start of a new story, which we will start with a wee bit of a segue… in the next post, to be released on Wednesday, August 9th.


*with apologies to Kevin J Thornton
** Freenet had this thing where it eventually moved to only giving you 2 hours a day in 1 hour increments – and then it would kick you off and you would have to call back. It had become so popular that in order to balance the load, you could only have unlimited time between 11pm and 7am so we all hopped on during the unlimited time.