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Month: December 2022

2022 roundup for the Tuckers

2022 roundup for the Tuckers


Christmas this year was perfection. After completely giving up on large holiday dinners, this year we had my brother, my dad and his partner over for Christmas eve. It was low-key and we ordered Chinese food and had some drinks. My brother slept over and we all ended up playing cards super late into the evening. Christmas day was sleeping in and opening gifts and instead of spending the entire day cooking, we all just ate leftovers from the night before. Perfection! Then Boxing Day my stepson and his girlfriend came over and he and Mr. Tucker cooked this incredible prime rib dinner. We stayed up late drinking bachelor’s jam with Prosecco and watching Violent Night (again. It’s that good.). It was the perfect amount of socialization and relaxation and we had zero drama.

It feels weird to be heading into 2023 when 2020 feels like it was just yesterday. We basically got off of a Caribbean cruise, went to Universal Studios for a few days, flew home and then the lockdown happened. The past (almost!) 3 years have seemed like a dream. Still, a lot has happened in that time, with this year seeing some pretty big milestones. Here is a recap.

In January, Mr. Tucker took over as head of a new team. This came with a pay bump and so we redid our budget. Overall, it was a bit of a learning curve but Mr. Tucker enjoys his new role. He ended up having to travel to Arizona that month where he got to meet a lot of his colleagues. He has worked from home since 2009 so this isn’t a new thing.

March: we had planned to go to Jamaica that month but instead of a direct flight, the airline kept changing and changing the route until they had us traveling for over 24 hours. On top of that, covid seemed to be ramping up in the area. So my friend and I booked two weeks in Puerto Rico for our families instead. The trip was simultaneously chaotic and fun but it pretty much turned us off of air travel for awhile. If a trip can be measured by the amount of stories you bring back, we have enough stories for a lifetime!

Many of my closest friends live in the US. During the pandemic my core group often played a weekly Trivial Pursuit game online and it was nice to connect. Still, most of us saw at least one other person in the group about once a year, so we were missing each other. In May we planned to get together in Denver as it just made sense given that we were in Ontario, Pennsylvania, Colorado and California. We had an awesome 5 days together despite the fact my scooter got busted up by Air Canada and I had to buy a new one (and get the old one fixed).

April saw us moving the youngest out of public school and into a private school after months of constant struggle in the public system. We all just needed a break. While our kid loved the private school, the school was poorly run by an ineffectual leader who had no conflict-management skills. Back to the drawing board.

June for the first time in years we had no summer plans at all. We typically always rented a cottage with two other families but the pandemic had made cottage rentals explode in popularity so we couldn’t get three cottages together and in our price range. While I am glad my kids had all of those years of camping/cottaging with friends, it was nice to have no plans. I am also not a cottage person and would much rather be home enjoying my pool all summer. Which I did. Which was glorious.

July was a doozy of a month. Mr. Tucker turned 50, which we celebrated by going out for dinner with my stepson and his girlfriend to a steakhouse in The Market. It was such an abysmal experience and was so expensive that it basically turned us off of dining out for the foreseeable future.

While that was happening, the kids went to Paris with a family member and came home violently sick with covid. They also had an awful time but were glad to be home. Thankfully, Mr. Tucker and I escaped catching it by a combo of making the kids hangout outside, masking inside, and constantly running our air purifier.

Come to think of it, July was a life-changing month all around!

August was low-key and saw the kids doing sailing camp and not much else.

In September the eldest started high school and joined band for extra credit. That means Mr. Tucker has to drive her at 7:30am two mornings a week. He doesn’t mind though. Since we both had families who wouldn’t have done the same for us, he doesn’t mind supporting our kind in her artistic endeavors.

The youngest started at a new public school in the Alternate program. After a terrible previous year we were all apprehensive – especially since they need to take a public bus and walk quite a bit. In the end though, it was the perfect choice. Not only are they succeeding academically, they have made a bunch of new friends and are thriving socially as well. They like their teachers, their teachers like them and the school conference gave us nothing but positive feedback about how well they are doing. Sometimes you just got to try and find a place that works for you.

OH – and we also made our mortgage pre-payment!

October is one of our favourite months because we are HUGE Halloween fans. Thanksgiving weekend is our new preferred travel weekend so we went to Toronto once again to enjoy the Halloween Haunt at Canada’s Wonderland and get the most out of our yearly passes (which we got for two years for the same price, thanks to Covid). We also went to Medieval Times which was piles of ridiculous fun. We paid 1/3 of the price to go to MT than we did for two people to eat on Mr. Tucker’s birthday – and that had no jousting!

We also planned two group friend outings: a Haunted Walk of our city and a Halloween installment at a local farm with haunted houses and hayrides. Then of course, the kids got to go out trick-or-treating. It was a great month of activities.

November saw me heading out on a trip with friends (again!), this time with my book club. We rented a house in Prince Edward County and toured wineries and ate delicious food all weekend.

A friend offered up one of her cafes to enable our group of friends to have Christmas party at the end of the month. So I ordered us a liquor licence, we planned a potluck, made arrangements for people to bring their air purifiers etc. and…then Mr. Tucker and I got Covid and weren’t able to attend. What was funny is that we had just got our bivalent shots and while Mr. Tucker got it first, he also got super sick. He had every symptom – in order – like a textbook case. I caught it when I was at peak immunity post-vaccination and to me it felt like a bad allergy attack or a mild cold. It was super interesting to compare our experiences.

Then, Mr. Tucker’s biological mom came in with some news: she had found his biological father but he had sadly passed away a few years ago. So that has led him down a weird and wonderful path of learning more about his biological family.

So that brings us to December! I already mentioned our holiday plans and we have some big financial goals for 2023. We still don’t plan to do any air travel in the new year but we do want to do a fun road trip at some point, so we’ll be saving for that.

At some point I will update a longer post about our plans for 2023 but tonight the only goal is to maybe watch a movie, play Jackbox with some friends and probably miss midnight altogether because I am super old and my bedtime is 10pm, dammit!

Happy New Year!

You don’t owe your elders – or anyone – your presence

You don’t owe your elders – or anyone – your presence

Someone close to me was recently discussing how his parents had hated their grandmother but they had tolerated her under the “respect your elders” rule. It was only as an adult that he learned that his mother was born when the grandmother was very young and that they were raised together as sisters. Then – once his mother learned the truth and had moved in with her “real” mom – his mother was sexually assaulted for years by the grandmother’s partner while she looked the other way. But yet, until the grandmother died, she was part of their lives. When he learned this, he was pretty shocked.

I have seen this played out time and again under various circumstances. For some reason we have come to believe that somehow older people can get away with various cruelties and that younger generations just have to tolerate the abuse. It’s baked into our culture by previous generations all of whom have raised us and know how to push our buttons.

But I am here to tell you today that you absolutely do not have to take it. You can walk away from an abusive relative and if you have children that they’ve acted abusive towards, it is IMPERATIVE that you do so.

Recently, after tolerating years snarky comments, lies and manipulation I finally cut someone out of our lives. While I won’t get into the details, the reality is that for years I had tried desperately to maintain a relationship with this person for my children’s sake. The weekly visits were a huge imposition on our time and energy and Mr. Tucker had to actually be present in the room with this person or else they would say the most awful things to me. But I never wanted anyone to say that I didn’t allow this person to craft their own relationship with my kids. My kids loved them and thought the world of them – until this summer.

This summer they got to see the real person behind the mask when they took my kids on a trip. This person was the adult in their lives who was supposed to protect them but instead they would walk ahead and leave them behind on public transportation and even in airport security. They would pick fights with the kids if they didn’t give them their picture postcard Kodak moments. They lashed out cruelly and said horrifically homophobic things. My kids spent most of the trip terrified that this Dr. Jekyll wouldn’t provide their basic needs. My kids came home terrified with a horrible bout of Covid and this narcissist bailed on our quarantine plan because, they just “were so tired and can’t handle it.” It was heartbreaking when my kids saw the truth because a person they loved betrayed them so horribly.

But it was the catalyst I needed to finally cut ties.

Here is the thing about narcissists and people you let get away with cruel behaviour: your tolerance of it emboldens them. They ratchet up the cruelty and the gaslighting to see how much they can get away with. They are such little people that it makes them feel big to abuse people and get away with it so it just keeps happening. Even if you confront them they will give you a non-apology such as “sorry you feel that way,” and the abuse will stop for awhile. But just as you get comfortable and think that MAYBE, THIS TIME you will be able to have the respectful adult relationship with them that you want, it starts again. It always starts slowly and builds up like the proverbial frog in the pot of water being warmed slowly. The pattern repeats.

The horrid behaviour I can take becomes a problem when you target my kids. In my friend’s situation above, the grandmother was always good to him and it was only as an adult that he learned the truth. With my kids, they experienced the horror first-hand. I just ended all communication with this person. I won’t have anyone treating my children like that.

Of course, in true narcissist fashion, I received an email last week from this person. No, not accepting blame and apologizing. That’s what a normal person who wrongs someone does. Instead, the email was basically three paragraphs about how they were disappointed that I don’t provide them with the perfect familial experience that they feel they deserve. Then they tried to guilt me into allowing them back into our lives. Rinse, repeat.

I replied with pointing out that if my kids want to have a relationship with them, they will reach out. Until then, I am blocking all of their methods of contacting me and I don’t want a relationship.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking when it comes to this. I’m actually sad that they will miss so much of our milestones as a family because they are so obsessed with controlling and manipulating people. Yes, they lie to us – but they lie to themselves more, crafting a victim narrative and denying their involvement in situations even when there have been many witnesses who refute their claim. Alone and sad, they cling to the behaviours that don’t serve them, alienating friends and family.

The truth is though, it’s not my problem anymore. They need to do the work and I think we are way past the point of that happening.

So if I have words of wisdom for you, it is this:

No one is perfect and of course we are all different so we will argue, not agree, and generally live our lives differently than other people may. Be as tolerant as possible of people’s differences.

Yes, you can tolerate behaviour from less enlightened older members of your family who may not “get” it. Make those conversations off-topic. But that only applies to some topics. Don’t accept abuse and gaslighting.

Create boundaries and make them clear and non-negotiable.

If multiple people tell you that you are wrong, you are probably wrong.

You don’t need to respect your elders if they don’t respect you. Everyone deserves respect.

Guilt is never a good reason to do something.

You don’t owe anyone their ideal of “family.”

If it harms you, you should consider not exposing yourself to that behaviour.

If it harms your children, you should absolutely protect them at all costs.

We never got to Jamaica & other updates

We never got to Jamaica & other updates

I realize that I posted a life update on September 21st, 2021 and haven’t followed up since. My goal to be a better blogger has not come to fruition. Besides, all the kids are on tiktok these days and I am going in the opposite direction and staying off of most social media. Here is a synopsis of the past year or so:

We ended up going to Puerto Rico: the direct flight we had booked to Jamaica changed so many times that it ended up becoming an over 24 hour flight with various stops. We discussed it with our friends and made the decision to pull the plug and instead planned a trip to Puerto Rico. Both families have been there before and we found a nice hotel on the southwest coast far from the maddening crowds. Covid made travel an absolute nightmare but we have stories for days and isn’t that what travel is all about?

Mr. Tucker started a new job: he heads up a new team now and with this new job came a small pay raise. So once again we have reversed course and are in super saver mode except the new raise covers our increases in spending money and groceries. That’s good because inflation has made it more expensive anyway.

We are still on track to pay off our mortgage in 2023: this is very exciting because we did manage to make our prepayment this year. It was looking dicey there for awhile because Mr. Tucker needed major dental surgery and…

We put in a walk-in bathtub: it was getting more and more dangerous for me to use a step-over tub and a bath chair so we bit the bullet and had a walk-in installed. It was incredibly expensive but we managed to not go into debt to do it.

We did more weekend roadtrips & didn’t rent a cottage: I have to be honest, I love staying home all summer. We bought a house with a pool for a reason and that reason is that I spend every great summer day swimming. Besides, we got to see a lot of friends for backyard hangouts.

We had a good run camping or renting cottages with friends when our kids were younger, it was more for the kids to run around with their friends than for us to enjoy. Now that they are older, they don’t enjoy it as much themselves. So it made sense to put this particular tradition to rest.

We did manage to get use out of our Canada’s Wonderland passes though! We went May 24 long weekend and Thanksgiving weekend – where we also went to Medieval Times. Is it absolutely cheesy? Yes. Did we all love it? Also, yes. We won’t renew them again as the deal isn’t as good as the pandemic restrictions let up but I am glad we did it. We still do have amazing plans for next year’s roadtrip.

I did rent a cottage in Prince Edward County with my friends from book club and had a wonderful weekend. Instead of booking an expensive wine tour a friend drove us to various wineries and it made for a fun, inexpensive weekend.

We had more local outings during the holidays: we did a lot more holiday-themed local events both last year and this year. During Halloween we went to various local farms to experience their haunted houses and we did a local Haunted Walk with friends as well. For Christmas last year we did a drive-thru light show and saw The Nutcracker. Of course, we kept up with our two traditions: October’s 13 Days of Halloween Movies and 12 Days of Christmas Movies in December. We had planned a small Winter Solstice event but was thwarted by Omicron.

We’re still gardening: we haven’t got better at it though. Still, it’s a fun hobby and I enjoy watching the garden change over the summer.

Health: I had a particularly awful fall in the late spring which took a long time to heal & made me make the decision to not paddle with my dragon boat team this year. I also have not kept up with a regular exercise routine outside of swimming in the summer. This is something I need to refocus on. I lost a lot of confidence with the fall but conversely I have added supplements to my routine that have reduced my spasticity & made my skin issues more manageable.

As 2022 comes to an end Mr. Tucker and I are working on some big goals to tackle in 2023. I feel like this deserves its own post, which I will tackle closer to the end of the month. Until then, we are gearing up to enjoy yet another Christmas season as a family and will hopefully be able to have a small Winter Solstice celebration with friends.

Some traditions deserve to be broken

Some traditions deserve to be broken


Mr. Tucker and I have covid so we’re taking precautions so the kids don’t get it

When the pandemic happened the holidays were furthest from our minds. Easter was the first holiday after the lockdown started but it had never been a huge deal for anyone but the kids. When Thanksgiving rolled around we rented a couple of cottages on a lake, quarantined for two weeks, and then met up with another family. If I am honest, it was one of the best Thanksgivings we ever had. The kids hung out with other kids, the adults had drinks & played cards, and Mr. Tucker made an amazing Thanksgiving dinner. After dinner we played games, laughed, and then built a bonfire. Everyone was full, happy and relaxed. After that first one, the past two covid Thanksgivings we’ve used to take a small road trip and do something fun as a family, usually Halloween-related (Thanksgiving in Canada is the second weekend in October) with those same friends. It’s been a nice, new tradition that we all enjoy.

Christmas that first covid year was just the four of us. Determined to make the kid’s holidays still good, we ramped up the activities that we could still do during covid. We baked cupcakes for The Mission, we headed out to pick out a fresh tree, we did our 12 Days of Christmas Movies & we baked cookies and delivered them to friends. We also doubled-down on Advent calendars to make every day of December special and started incorporating Jólabókaflóðið – the Icelandic tradition of getting a book & some chocolate on Christmas Eve – into our new holiday tradition. Christmas day we had outside visits with family and friends (no easy feat in Canadian winter) and then sat down to dinner just the four of us. This time the kids were honest: they loved having a relaxed Christmas. We spent the day in our PJs and watched movies and they loved it. They hated having to dress up and sit around watching the adults talk about boring things so this was a change they really enjoyed.

I loved it, too.

I loved it for different reasons than the kids did. Because we were the only people in the family with young kids, we’ve always hosted. That has meant 13-15 people for dinner, including my divorced parents. For various reasons, it’s always been stressful and chaotic but we always did it because otherwise we’d have to choose somewhere to go that would exclude other members of the family, feelings would be hurt etc. So from that point of view, it always made sense for us to host.

We are heading into year three of Christmas with covid and over the past years I have discovered that I ENJOY a simpler holiday. I love not having to hold myself up to some ideal holiday standard where every moment feels like I’m shoving a square peg into a round hole. No matter how hard I tried to make everything perfect, there were always little stinging comments and judgement or a divisive conversation would erupt. Mr. Tucker and I would shut the door behind the last guest and then feel like collapsing from exhaustion both physically and mentally. It was a lot of work and we convinced ourselves that we were giving our children the experience of seeing all of the family at Christmas and vice versa.

Looking back, I realize now that I can take the things I enjoy about holidays and leave the rest. I grew up in a house where a fake Christmas tree was just unfathomable. But just because our families did it one way doesn’t mean we have to do it that way. We don’t need to take the most difficult path just because, “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” So this year when I saw a sale on fake Christmas trees I pointed to the flyer and said to Mr. Tucker, “Do you think we should consider…” I didn’t even finish my sentence before he shouted, “YES!”

My ideal Christmas has fallen heavily on Mr. Tucker’s shoulders these past couple of years. When we were younger and more energetic I could do a lot more of the heavy lifting but since I’ve become more and more disabled a lot of this magic has to be done by him. It occurred to me that it’s a lot to ask of a man who already works full time, cares for two kids and helps his disabled wife to also be responsible for all the traditional stuff. To be fair, now that the kids are older they can also do a lot of the work and that eases the burden somewhat. But I also realized that we can even let a lot of it go and still have all of the magic. A great holiday doesn’t have to include stress and exhaustion…and you don’t have to have a neurodegenerative disease to say no to things that make you miserable, either!

The eldest was kind of sad to not be able to go and get a fresh tree but when we pointed out all of the benefits, she got it. No needles all over the place that get stuck in your feet, no having to water it all of the time and it spins so no worrying that the dogs will knock over and make a huge mess of water and needles. It’s even easier to decorate because the branches are moveable and sturdy. We still decorated the house and listened to Christmas music – the important ritual of a good holiday, in my opinion. All of the magic, half of the work.

This year on Christmas Eve, we are having my brother and my Dad over for Réveillon and instead of a traditional French Canadian feast, we’re going to order in Chinese food and just hang out and play cards. We’ll then curl up with our new Jolabokaflod books & eat chocolate. Christmas morning will happen when we all wake up (probably late), we’ll open presents, have a leisurely breakfast and then drive around seeing family and friends for porch visits. Dinner will be easy, eaten in our PJs and then we’ll probably watch Miracle on 34th street (another tradition).

If covid has taught me anything, it’s to let go. Let go of relationships that don’t serve me, stop trying to force relationships to be what they never will be, let go of my expectations and stop doing things I don’t want to do just because it lives up to someone else’s preconceived notions or sense of tradition. I don’t think we will ever host another large family dinner again. We enjoy a small, quieter holiday where we’re aren’t pretending that these traditions that don’t serve us are the most important thing. The most important thing will be the holiday will be spent relaxed and together.