“If being, and doing things, alone is increasingly widespread – and stigma-free – then how to make the most of it? A couple of key factors everyone agrees on are finding a healthy balance between solo time and communing with others – and having the ability to choose solitude, rather than being forced to experience it. “The greatest indication of success in time alone is that a person has chosen that space believing that there is something important and meaningful there,” says Hansen, adding that solitude is a “neutral blob of sculpting clay; it can be whatever we mould it into”.
Fittingly, according to McGraw it’s perhaps best to not mould said blob into “lying in bed, vaping and ordering Uber Eats”. Rather, he suggests channelling alone time into creative pursuits and pastimes that tend to blossom in solitude; a walk or a run, people-watching at a cafe, going to a museum and “taking it all in, as fast or slow as you can”. Or how about “sitting in a bath listening to Vivaldi”, he adds more specifically, or taking an online course?”
“We were built to depend on each other. Evolution shaped us for cooperation, not isolation. Yet we treat loneliness as weakness and community as optional. We call debt and overspending “behavioral problems,” as if they were moral failings when they’re often just cries for belonging.”
June has felt like the Kool-Aid man of busy-ness has crashed through our lives. As we transition from the end of the school year and the activities that run from September-June, we also ramp up with summer job training and activities. The crossover has been super messy and some days we find ourselves out and about most of the day, just driving around.
I could spend time listing all of the things we do but realistically it’s a reasonable amount for two teens and two adults: Mr. Tucker and I both have one ongoing commitment and each kid has two ongoing commitments. But what happens when we have school crossover periods is that the end of the year ends up being more events than one reasonable calendar can hold. Since we all have social lives as well, it is one of the few times of the year where I wonder to myself, “should we get a second car?”
(The answer is no, no we should not. [1] What sounds like an easy solution would be a lot more time and money compared to the few times we may have to get a ride service to make an event. Although, I can see the appeal.)
Sometimes I will pop my head into online communities that focus on intentional or simple living. I don’t wade in too much since a lot of these spaces comprise of posts either asking people how-to live this way or posting some revelation that even the Greek philosophers wrote about 2000 years ago. In other words, it’s just low value to me when I have a shelf full of books that detail these things. But every once in awhile a post pops up that says something like, “WELP. I simplified my life and now I am bored.” When I see posts like that I scream in my head, “Too far! Too far!”
I think when people think of bringing balance to their lives, they think that somehow everything can be in equilibrium, always. But the reality is that balance often means switching priorities based on what is screaming the loudest and giving everything else the bare minimum. Currently, the Eldest has a bunch of training sessions for her summer job at a place that has crappy public transportation. So the priority is arranging our schedules to get her there and pick her up. Once her job starts she can bike to work so it will be up to her to manage that and we won’t be involved at all. But for now, it’s really thrown a wrench in our other scheduled activities. Mr. Tucker had to cancel a class this week because he just couldn’t be in two places at once. It happens. I am bailing on dragon boat this week because both children have activities that evening in the east and the west ends of the city and it made no sense to try and get me south so I can paddle. Some things just can’t be worked out.
The Eldest made this amazing tofu Tiki Masala & fresh Naan & quick pickled onions
We are pretty good at ensuring that we don’t fill the calendar up completely so that we still have space to eat dinner as a family & to keep some nights free. But it isn’t always going to work out so we have also accepted a couple of hellish weeks a year to strike a balance between doing nothing and doing the things we love. Next year it looks like the Youngest will be volunteering at the library right smack dab in the middle of roller derby practice. So it may be that she can only attend her extra-curricular sport every second week. She’s going to roll with it.
Sometimes it is also worth it to take advantage of opportunities that come only once in awhile even though you know you shouldn’t be adding anymore names to your dance card! My friend Susan was in town for a law conference last week and even though our weekend was bursting at the seams, making room for her to come and chill at our house last Saturday was an absolute gift. The last time I saw her was in Oakland in 2019! We caught up, ate a bunch of great food and my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. Since she divides her time between The Bay Area and Toronto, it’s rare that we are geographically co-located. So it was amazing to make that work. Who knows when I will see her in person next? Even though we chat online most days, being able to connect in person was incredible.
So while the chaos of too many things leads to burnout and resentment, the opposite can also be awful: discovering that you can only do nothing for so long & that you’re bored. A good balance is when you do a bunch of things that you enjoy that are bookended by periods where you have nothing to do and sometimes that may end up feeling like you have too much to do.
I suspect things will fall into a lazy summer rhythm after Canada Day. The Youngest will be at camp, the Eldest will be working and both of them will be hanging out with friends. Mr. Tucker will take a couple of weeks off of work and we will spend our days just floating around the pool interspersed with naps, reading books and making art.
Until then, we hustle through life getting much accomplished which will be a nice juxtaposition for when we just get to sit down, relax, and are able to enjoy doing a bunch of nothing.
[1] My father keeps saying that he wants to give us his old car when The Eldest gets her license but all I can think of is the compound costs of getting CAA, gas, insurance, maintenance, repairs, tires etc. The idea of the costs associated with a second car makes my eyes water. Still, not getting up to driver her to band practice at o’dark early may be worth it…
“It’s easy to feel like: ‘Oh, I’m in community because I’m on TikTok,’” she says. But genuine community is about “getting outside and talking to your neighbor and knowing that there’s someone out there that can help you if something really bad goes down,” she says.
“You’re actually out there talking to people, working with people and realizing there are so many good people in the world, too, and maybe feeling less isolated than before,” says Hartmann.
Mr. Tucker and I had an old friend and his new partner over for a BBQ and swimming over the long weekend. When I left social media I started to reach out to folks that I wanted to see but hadn’t seen in a really long time [1]. So after a month of trying to solidify plans, we finally nailed out a Saturday that worked for all of us. Sadly, it was cold and rainy that day but we still got to hang out, eat and play games. It was a good night.
When catching up with people you haven’t seen in awhile, the questions always run from “what have you been doing all of these years?” to “so what do you do with your free time now?” But what was interesting about my friend is that he answered the second question with, “I dunno. I go to work. I come home. I nap. I hang out. I go to bed. On the weekends you just clean and do chores and then it’s back to work. I’m too tired to do much else.” It just struck me as incredibly sad probably because he sounded a bit sad about it. Of course, when I asked followup questions he clearly did other things! They shared a love of eating out, and playing games, and they have animals they adore. It was just the absolutely depressing way he answered the original question that stuck with me.
It stuck with me because I have been there, too.
It’s so easy to fall into a rut. Work + commuting + personal care + household chores can easily eat into every moment of the day so that it is easier to just flop in front of electronics for the evening and passively consume content. Toss children & their activities into the mix and it feels like the time you have for friends is less than zero…
When I was 14 we moved in with my grandmother. She had been raised in a vibrant French Canadian community in Lowertown. Every one knew everyone, and every holiday saw friends and family cramming into the house all day long. Families back then lived inter-generationally because things were expensive (and predates socialized health care). When she married my Irish grandfather, he was going to university and working, so he moved into her family home with her. A few years after my mother was born, they moved to their own apartment across the street. Apparently my great-grandmother cried because she thought she’d never see them! After my grandfather graduated, they did what all people did in the 50s: they bought a house in the suburbs. My great-grandmother cried again: they were moving to the end of the world! It must have seemed like it, a street car came about a 15-minute walk away – and it was the end of the line.
When people romanticize the mid-century era, I see it as the beginning of where things started to crumble for community. For my grandmother, it certainly was. My grandfather apparently found her loud, French-Canadian family embarrassing and wanted to distance himself from them as much as possible. I can’t blame him for that, really. Raised by a widow who had left Ireland for opportunity, she was determined that ALL five of her children (including the girls – scandal!) would be university educated and successful (they were). So part of that was blending into the WASP culture that surrounded them and meeting the milestones of success for that era (they did). Meanwhile, the speed of progress was progressing and the urban planners tore through Lowertown removing its streets, demolishing its houses, rerouting the veins of the community. Many families who had been there for generations scattered out of the downtown core.
I don’t think my grandmother ever felt she fit into her new life and she failed to make many friends in their new neighbourhood. Once my uncle went to school, she asked her husband if she could go back to work for something to do. She was bored, and for someone who had worked since she was a pre-teen, it was strange to be bored. She picked up a job at a local perfume factory during the day and still managed to be home in time to make dinner. She kept all the money from this job in a savings account because my grandfather gave her money to run the house with. There is a funny family story about how she really wanted a garage built where the carport was. My grandfather apparently said, “I can’t afford that!” to which she responded, “But I can!” He was shocked at how much she had saved from what he considered to be her little hobby job. She got her garage.
Sadly, she lost her father in 1971 and in 1974 she lost her mother and her husband in the same year. The perfume factory also shut down and she didn’t go back to work again. Previously, my grandparents had been devout Catholics but she gave up going to church at this point, apparently saying that she was angry at God for taking husband away from her at such a young age. He was 54.
I would be born a year later and a few years after, my brother came along. My parents split up soon after that and my grandmother pinch hit for child rearing for much of my childhood. I remember that she had a couple of friends that she played BINGO with or with whom she would spend the day with at the racetrack. But people move and people pass away and soon she had no one but family. Then, when my brother and I were old enough, we didn’t need her either. She stopped coming to the house to take care of us and just stayed home. We saw her on weekends and holidays…until we had to move in with her.
I loved my grandmother and was extremely close with her but I don’t think moving in with her was the best thing we could have done FOR her (although financially, I know we had no other option). Soon after we moved in she started drinking more, she stopped leaving the house and she stopped doing the basics of personal care. My mom did everything she needed done: cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, got money out for her etc. I was the one who introduced her to dial-a-bottle, so that is on me, to be fair. But she became a recluse whose agoraphobia limited her to leaving the house about once a year to walk to the end of the driveway and back.
She died in my first year of university and it felt like a huge wake up call for me: I, too, had been struggling with making friends. At her funeral I imagined what my life would be like if I continued like this. Many of my friends had left the city for university, I had a relationship that focused on his friends – who I lost when it ended – and I was surrounded by a lot of acquaintances but few friends. The final years of my grandmother’s life hung like a fog over me but I swore I would make the effort. It took me awhile to find my footing but eventually I did make friends – and continued to make friends – all throughout my life. I am very grateful for that.
But I tell this (long) tale for two reasons:
1 – My grandmother’s life is not exceptional. She basically woke up one day and realized that it was all gone. Her relationships slowly eroded for the same reasons all of ours do: time, geography, responsibilities, child-rearing, exhaustion, death. It was easier to drink beer and watch game shows. These are all things we can relate to.
2 – Your relationships require care and feeding. When my kids were born our main friend group was all child free (or child-grown) adults with professional jobs for the most part[2]. I was a SAHM and Mr. Tucker worked insane hours. At the time, our friends were out doing things that were way out of our budget BUT we always made an effort to go to the house parties and the milestone events. We also made a bunch of new friends with people who had kids. It was nice to have events where the parents could just have a drink and not worry about our kids running wild (because they also let their kids run wild!).
Relationships also ebb and flow and it’s ok to let some people go[3]. But it’s not ok to let everyone go – even when you are at your busiest – because some day you will wake up and everyone will be gone.
This is why my friend’s words struck me so deeply: he clearly enjoyed getting together, he was interested in reviving some of his hobbies but he just hadn’t gotten around to it. Life had gotten away from him. But I was really happy to see him and to catch up. Maybe we will only be able to get together once or twice a year – and that’s ok! But it was nice to connect – not just interact with him as text on a screen. Had our conversation played out over our phones, I probably wouldn’t have noted anything about the words, “I dunno. I go to work. I come home. I nap. I hang out. I go to bed. On the weekends you just clean and do chores and then it’s back to work. I’m too tired to do much else.” and I probably would have just replied, “Haha no kidding, I feel that friend!” But so much more communication happens in person and with someone’s body language and facial expressions. Getting together with people is important.
I know since the pandemic a lot of life has moved online and we all know its to our detriment. But even before the pandemic an acquaintance of mine who does psychology research tried to run an experiment to compare elderly people – those who had a close group of friends and those who had few or no friends. He had planned to study the effects of loneliness. He ended up having to scrap the entire study because he couldn’t find enough older people to be in the control group! So many of us are living without friends.
I came across this documentary about the cost of living crisis in the UK. It’s older but the themes are the same. Ostensibly, it is about lack of money amongst pensioners but the thing that stood out for me was just how lonely these folks are. One woman had only two people knock on her door in the 35 years she lived in her apartment. One man laid out his last will and testament before he went to sleep each night in case they found his body because he had no one to give the responsibility to.
Like my grandmother, they got lonely slowly over a period of time and then suddenly: no one.
Multiple think pieces have been written on this. But the reality is, introvert or an extrovert: we all need to be social because humans are social creatures. We have different tolerance levels of socialization but we all need to interact with people, in person. Whoever tells you otherwise has shares in Meta. For some people it may be once a week and for others every day. I can’t determine that level for you. But you need it.
But the thing is: I have hope. I find people are making more plans again to get out and do things, even taking walks. I am the parent of two teenagers and I find that this year there have been more sleepovers, more hangout dinners & movie nights, more weekend conventions and more bowling with friends. They just enjoy being in each others company. Sure, they have group chats and Discord but overall I have definitely noticed an uptick in social events since September.
The kids are alright, and they’re touching grass. We all need to touch grass.
[1] I want to see everyone, maybe even you!
[2] No word of a lie. Every time I read an article on this subject I absolutely cannot relate to it. But tell the bees has a great piece on it. Actually, his stuff is phenomenal so go enjoy.
[3] When I left social media it was also a good time to leave some people behind. SM is insidious in the fact that it keeps friendships that would have waned naturally still at the forefront. This is not a BAD thing about people I have animosity or negativity towards! It’s just that I feel that there are seasons to some friendships and sometimes if you let go, they come back to you later. Sometimes they just go. A wane is a normal, neutral thing that SM unnaturally keeps glued together.
We opened the Puddle early this year hoping to avoid the most popular dates, which are often unavailable and leave us with a late opening. When we open it later on, we struggle to get the water clear in the warmer days. Then it’s a race against time for getting it up and running for the Youngest’s birthday, which coincides with the long weekend. So Mr. Tucker is out getting the chemicals balanced and cleaning filters on this gorgeous spring day. Since the backyard is essentially our only summer vacation plan it will be fun to get it cleaned up, the garden planted and the pool ready for family and friends.
Tax season was – once again – exhausting. We are lucky to have someone who prepares our taxes for us but as usual: I owed, Mr. Tucker got a refund. It worked out fine except that this year I have to pay quarterly tax instalments because I owed over $3000. Just a reminder for folks on CPP (including CPP-D and OAS) that taxes are *not* taken at the source, so if you have other forms of income during the tax year, you could end up owing. A lot of the complications of this tax year were from the condo rental. Even though I had a loss on the unit, it was still a lot of paper work.
The time in between the end of skiing/snowboarding to the middle of May is the calmest time in the school year. It’s basically the time the kids apply for summer jobs. The Eldest is going back to work for the city & the Youngest got herself a volunteer position with the library. Both positions had extensive interviews and so hopefully between camp/volunteering the Youngest will have a busy summer. We did apply for some jobs for her but we were a bit late and it doesn’t look like that will happen. The Eldest is working on her driver’s license as well, so hopefully she will get that this spring.
I continue to…not spend that much time online? My group chats are hopping and I am so grateful to have kept in contact with a bunch of folks. My brain is much calmer for it as well. Mr. Tucker has started doing Muay Thai twice a week and we are trying to head out for a walk every day (trike for me). I also started doing physiotherapy in January and it’s helped a lot. I am struggling to keep up with my home exercises but that is just plain laziness on my part. When I do them I find my mobility and strength increases exponentially but I still tend to drop the ball when things get busy. Dragon boat starts up in two weeks – along with the chaos of end-of-the-year school activities – and then we are right into summer.
Canada elected a new government & we will see how that goes over the coming months. It’s been a brutal start to 2025 around the world politically. Although I’ve calmed down since the drama of the winter, the world still feels a bit fragile and chaotic.
