No one tells you how amazing it is to have a child who can be a designated driver for you. So allow me: it’s AMAZING! Hilariously, she was texting me at 11pm and asking if everything was ok. Oh honey, mommy and daddy are at The Legion with friends to do a Trivia Night, of all of the unsafe situations I have found myself in, Trivia Night At The Legion doesn’t even make the top 100000.
But I digress!
When our book club disbanded we split into three groups: one group was for folks who enjoyed the trips we used to take as a book club, one for people who liked to go to a local park in the warmer months for dinner & drinks, and one group who enjoyed hitting up local pubs for trivia nights. Clearly, as someone who played Trivial Pursuit weekly during the pandemic with The Americans [1], I was ALL-IN for in-person quiz events.
We’ve pretty much played all over town at this point, but last week we invited partners as well and ended up with two separate teams. It was a fundraiser for a local charity and between dinner, drinks, and the entrance fee, Mr. Tucker and I spent $125 for an evening out (total – not each!). On top of that, we both won door prizes in a draw: I won a $50 gift certificate to a local steakhouse and he won a pint glass and a $10 gift card to Tim Horton’s. I am way more extroverted than Mr. Tucker but even he had to admit that it was a ridiculously fun time with our friends – and a great way to get out more.
I know I’ve harped on about putting yourself out there a lot this year but I think it’s a direct reaction to the insular, anti-social social media I have seen ramping up post-pandemic[2]. I have seen content about people not being polite to retail and restaurant workers, I have seen memes about how excited people are to have cancelled plans (NGL, I also have been excited to stay home in jammies), and I have heard stories from folks not wanting people to come over…and like, I get it? As someone whose disability forces them to manage energy in a completely different way now, I get not wanting to do things. We were joking at a party recently that someone asked their partner to do two things in one week and we all laughed at the audacity: two social events in one week?! How perfectly INSANE it is to ask that! I suppose it is because at midlife, we are just too old to be doing things more often. But as Mr. Tucker and I often remind ourselves: we always force ourselves to go to events and we always have a good time.
Mr. Tucker and I are big fans of the IKEA breakfast date
One of my friend groups is about 25 years old now. We used to go out almost every night in our 20s. We’d go to clubs, we’d go to pubs, or we would have impromptu gatherings at our old condo in The Market, aptly nicknamed Balconville[3]. Honestly, we were out almost 5 nights a week because in the early 2000s there was so much more going on. We were young, we had shitty jobs, and we eked out as much of an existence that we could carve with limited resources. We had a weekly Sunday night dinner with friends, we hit 80s (and then 90s! *sob*) nights on Sundays when the beers were cheaper and there was no cover charge, and generally we just made do.
Previously – in the 90s – I lived in a neighbourhood with my closest friends where it was normal to pop in to drink a coffee or play board games all night. In the late 90s I lived in a 14-bedroom Goth commune during university where I would constantly have some baked goods ready and a pot of coffee on the go because you never knew who would just pop in for a chat. After, I moved on top of a local pub where we would hang out, drink pints and play cards some nights. When we were poorer we always made do: nothing beats a $7 bottle of wine or a pot of tea on the stoop of your apartment. No one cared that our living quarters were all chaos and dirt: we mostly worked and went to school so no one had time to clean and so no one held each other up to an unachievable standard of cleanliness. It was a crazy social time and while I was an early adopter of the internet and had made a bunch of friends online, it wasn’t possible to carry your friends around in your pocket all day. At the time, it was completely normal to leave your house and to just drop in on folks. If they were busy, you just left. No harm, no foul. I often wonder if my kids would watch sitcoms from previous generations and find it absolutely wild that neighbours and friends would just pop in, unannounced? I have seen some older Gen-Z’s ask if it was normal and let me say: it absolutely was normal and it was absolutely amazing!
But now we have a social life right in our pockets. We don’t have to leave the house to have friends and our friends can be thousands of kilometres away. No shade to that – I 100% am grateful that I can do the Wordle with the Americans[1] every morning and maintain a connection with them that wasn’t as easy 25 years ago (but like, shoutout to livejournal!). But I have also written here that a lot is lost if we only have online friendships, and I stand by that. I think it is important to bring back the casual get-together. Even my kids do it: they are masters of the sleepover! Either they have friends over here or they go to someone else’s house every weekend. I have also noticed that a lot more parties are happening this year than in any other year they’ve been in high school and all I have to say is: GOOD.
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While I have no skin in the game, I am really excited to read Chelsea Fagan’s new book Having People Over. She is the founder of The Financial diet and while a lot of the content is not geared towards my demographic, it’s still a great resource. I have been following her 30 day series on Having People Over and it’s been full of great info.
I did make the mistake of attending the livestream where people could ask questions though, and OF COURSE someone woman co-opted the conversation with her particular situation because she felt “attacked by Chelsea” because she dared suggest people take personal responsibility for their relationships and grow up. What horrible thing did Chelsea suggest? That it is your responsibility to tell the host/ess if you have any challenges with the event, notably, food issues. HOW MONSTROUS!
Look, as someone who has mobility issues, I would love to live in an ideal world where everything is 100% accessible and that folks could read minds about what food allergies everyone has, but we don’t. I have no problems asking questions – and my closer friends know how to accommodate me. If I have any concerns, I ask ahead of time. And don’t get me wrong: I absolutely hate having to call a restaurant in advance or email someone to ask about how many stairs there are or if there are railings. But I also understand that we don’t live in a perfect world, and so it is going to take extra legwork for me to figure out if I can go to an event. The alternative is that I don’t go out and do things and that I slowly let my friendships rot on the vine. But here is the secret sauce: people are generally happy to accommodate if they can. They will try their best to make sure that their event goes off without a hitch, so if you tell them your needs in advance, they will probably do their best to make sure you have what you need.
I really take umbrage at people who feel that they can just scream, “I have a disability!” and that it somehow absolves them of any responsibility to advocate for themselves. Like the chronically online white knights of the world, they are basically using it as a shield to not have to take any action – and not take any blame, either. But to those folks like the person above, I ask: ok, so what is the end result you want here? Do you actually want people to include you or do you want to be a perpetual victim to circumstance? Because sure, you can blame everyone else for being ablest til the cows come home, and maybe that is your kink: the warm fuzzies of self-righteousness. But long-term, I don’t think that really serves you. This person can scream and shout all she wants about victim blaming but she doesn’t have to be a victim: she could have nipped this situation in the bud by communicating like an adult. Can’t eat the food? Ask if you can bring your own. 9/10 times the host/ess would be accommodating.
Fundamentally, the world is becoming a colder and more isolated place and I feel like this is because people are giving up their agency in exchange for tropes. Short-form video is informing how we see the world and as we all know, algorithms favour the negative. Videos with a ton of views ask you to blame anyone who cannot mind read what your needs are. We’ve become people who cannot deal with any friction or any negativity without becoming hysterical about it. But all of the best things in life that are worth doing are difficult! Getting ready and leaving the house is difficult, making reservations and driving across town on a Friday is difficult, helping your friend navigate a divorce is difficult, signing up for a yoga class is difficult, making a healthy meal at home is difficult…but all of these things reward you in return a million-fold in good relationships, a healthy body and a healthy mind.
Like I said to Mr. Tucker when we got home from trivia, “We always balk when it is time to get ready to leave the house and go to an event but we never come home regretting that we went. We always say, ‘Damn, that was a good night! I am so glad we went out!’”
